I’ve been gathering threads for my novel as the world struggles with these dystopian times. I won’t stop saying that. It’s why I haven’t written for some time. I float between a silent reverence, a coherence anchor as I wrote about in January and incoherence or imbalance. Reactive or responsive? Sometimes responsive reactivity and reactive responsiveness.

Not wanting to add more noise to this noisy planet but also unable to stay silent. Also at times feeling unmoored or lost at sea. It’s all happening everywhere and all at once. To everyone. Why must it and we?

I tend to write my Substack articles when I can’t stay silent. It’s the same energy I’m infusing into The Asteroid Agenda, the novel I hope to release this year. That I will release this year.

Stay tuned for time travel, time-stamping your soul and the first year of the last daylight savings where I live. Time really is funny.

Today, I had the benefit of time travelling 22 years ago to June 2004 where there was a similar energy. It happened while coming across a newspaper article I saved and my Letter to the Editor I wrote in response. An ‘outraged’ response.

Long before I was married in 2019, a wedding picture I’m sharing below, this might have seemed nearly impossible. Offensive. Back then, I was still fighting with myself about whether this was something I even deserved or could find. I was daring to hope. I send as much love and acceptance back to myself in those struggle years to provide the reassurances that my country was still grappling with. Whether this should even be allowed. Why do we keep underlining this struggle so many times? Why do we think we are experts in how others should live when there is still so many mysteries to life and our incredible bodies?

Alberta, June 2004

I was home from university for the summer in 2004 after a few years of liberal arts education away in Vancouver. I celebrated as Canada embraced same-sex marriages one Province at a time beginning in 2003. When it became federal law in 2005, I was proud to be a Canadian as we joined only three other countries allowing gay and lesbians to legally marry. The dignity of loving a partner as more than common-law was still a dividing idea. I’ll always remember presenting a summary of the legal stepping stones that were actively underway as I presented to my classmates in a tutorial group in a Criminology class as my topic of choice for Human Rights and Civil Liberties. This was the exciting time of human rights on the upward growth. Something that can easily be taken for granted or forgotten today.

Was there ever push back though. Some Albertans thought gay people would harm children or corrupt them into same-sex lifestyles. I had gone through my own struggles with internalized homophobia from a public school system that routinely discussed the sinful nature of abortion, gay marriage, capital punishment and euthanasia in publicly funded religion classes. I remember a classmate receiving an F on a paper because they didn’t provide the ‘approved’ response condemning whatever hypothetically cloaked hate we were meant to pass our teenage judgement on. That was their moment of naming and moving on. Time-stamping their soul. I’m going to share mine.

Back in 2004, like transgender identity, being gay was still being questioned as a choice rather than recognized as an identity. That ‘choice’, was seen as being made from poor moral character, a lack of impulse control, a psychological disorder or as a criminal offence. Gay marriage wasn’t just about the wedding certificate, it was for many the confirmation that being gay was a legally recognized human right and identity when expressed as a couple. The article below describes gay marriage as an “assault on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms” and I remember how much that stung at the time like my desire to marry was so perverse to be offensive. I share my wedding picture to remind myself across time how beautiful my marriage to a man can be. Especially when anyone told him otherwise.

This same reverence for the Charter of Rights and Freedoms back in 2004 has also been denied with the use of the notwithstanding clause, recently even in Alberta.

It’s why the transphobic movement scares me so personally even though I identity as a man. It’s why I needed to name the homophobia not to convince all of Airdrie while I was briefly home between semesters at school. It was a timestamp moment of naming it and moving on. Recognizing it wasn’t my fight. I had the benefit of returning to British Columbia so that moving on was not just symbolic. Do you have time-stamp or moments of naming from your higher self? I did and do. The ‘outraged reader’ back then is something I still struggle with as reactivity in these dystopian times. Getting frustrated at the people I love most. But it’s also where that letting go means so much.

So I wanted to close with my vision for 2026 and beyond. Not because I want to convince you to read my book or check out the non-profits of Humanity’s Team and The Peace Game. It’s because I want to share my grand trine. It recognizes the urgency that so many people feel right now and reminds me that I too have a reason for being here. To share a spiritual adventure. Like The Celestine Prophecy, Rabbits, The Alchemist and several more Spiritual Fiction books I love. I’ve made a time-stamp on my soul. This is the nature of dystopian times and the ebbs and flows of hope and dreams. It’s why I’ve chosen to share my voice in science-fiction or Spiritual Fiction rather than non-fiction.

Next week I celebrate 7 years married with my husband. Ryan in 2004 and in 1994 needs to hear that. It’s not fiction. It’s beautiful and love always wins.

Peace and Love & Love and Peace.

Being a coherence anchor means to me holding personal peace and resonance by having my intelligence centres aligned so that I’m not neglecting my head, heart, gut or spirit. That my being, doing, feeling and knowing are aligned and I’m not speaking one thing and doing another. It means showing up without trying to convince or persuade and instead letting presence speak about what is most important to me.

I am troubled by the disharmony in the world. It is not enough for me to be angry or afraid though. My energy can make a difference through time and attention, and I’m giving the largest of these to: writing my novel, being on Humanity’s Team and playing the Peace Game.

I don’t just support them financially as non-profit organizations but I engage in their communities, attend their events and share with family and friends how my participation provides me with a sense of doing something right now. Taking action today. Peace on earth by 2030 is not just the absence of war. It’s a bigger vision that I now hold as a DreamKeeper having completed my first time through the Peace Game in December 2025. I’m committed to continuing to play until peace on earth is achieved by 2030 or sooner. A tipping point for humanity’s awakening to our unity and conscious living by 2040 is not just a hopeful idea but something I’m stewarding forward by sharing my voice, attending Humanity’s Team events and actively being a part of their community and living consciously.

For both organizations, like writing my novel, I’m challenged to hold coherence in my doingness, knowingness, feelingness and beingness in my interactions and behaviour as a creator, community member and vision keeper.

I am highlighting the coherence I’m holding over the next 3.5 weeks through Aquarius Season. My main anchor is holding space in a weekly drop-in on Zoom on Fridays between 10 AM to 1 PM Pacific (PST). I’ve also highlighted the book clubs I’m reading and participating in small groups with and the energetic transformation of the Year of the Fire Horse. I’m also walking outside and writing regularly.

Have you found a coherence anchoring activity? Something that overlaps across groups, activities and people you interact with? Something that makes you feel like you are doing something?

It’s been a journey for me. I still get triggered or activated into reactions that aren’t my best expression or highest timeline. But I also feel like more days than not I’m holding coherence for the field and a kinder future that’s just around the corner.

As the season shifts and we enter the winter months ahead, I’ve been thinking about all of the compartments and silos in my life. My desire to share across borders, communities or groups. How I want to take all of the threads of meaning I’ve been gathering and start holding up the tapestry to share with the world while it’s still in the process of being weaved together. There’s a feeling of grief almost that it’s not yet ready to be shared. So I’m doing something different, I’m sharing my messy quilt in progress even if it isn’t ready. It honours that space of sharing without attachment to the outcome.

I’ve been thinking about what my voice and actions communicate when I’m not writing my novel. As I mentioned in October, at one point in 2025 I was convinced that my novel HAD to be ready and released on November 1st. When I accepted that later in 2026 was equally as ‘right on time’ for me, perhaps even more so, ‘write on time’, I realized that this path I’m walking is one where alignment and resonance is always the priority over outcome and product. This comes back to being and doing.

I’ve shifted into a space of equanimity. A poised position that exists from standing in multiple places, identities and times at once. Bridging the polarity or differences rather than trying to merge or melt it all together. There’s a beauty in the compartmentalization that allows uniqueness to be on full display.

When I stop trying to convince anyone of anything, I realize I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. When I let go of the attachment of trying to have the world see things through my lens or point of view or trying the latest spiritual exploration or activity I’m engaged in alongside me, I realize that BEING is the whole point and purpose.

That’s when I realize that my novel is still on path, that I’m being perfectly imperfect. As we leave behind November and the season of Scorpio, I’d like to share my vision I was working on this month. It’s a flavour of what I’m focused on and an invitation if there’s something I can share more about. Since mystery and exploration are close to my heart, I also invite you to look at it without a need to fully understand or participate. What, if anything, is communicated beneath the words and images?

Thanks for walking with me. For BEing you and witnessing me BEing me.

A liminal moment where the recent autumnal eclipse marked a fleeting but perfectly poised balance between light and dark.

Now we move into the dark half of the year as days grow shorter and I’m struck by what I choose to gather and harvest this month as well as what I choose to shed and leave behind.

Control. I’m reminded when I get my most reactionary, outraged and agitated, what is really in my field of control. It’s remarkably narrow. Impact is a different matter and what I tend to focus my energy and attention on these days.

Embracing nuance and flexibility. Nothing is absolute. My book is not being published on November 1st. I’m not ready. That’s not a failure or missed goal but confirmation that I’m still walking this path and making progress with it. Pacing ebbs and flows and writing, like life, is a cycle and spiral. I’m still committed to The Asteroid Agenda and a 2026 publish though. More than ever.

As we celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada, I recognize how companionship of fellow travellers on this journey matters so much. I am grateful for my family and friends who remind me I’m not alone. And to all of my new friends I’ve made in 2025 on Substack, Skool and Humanity’s Team, thank you for walking this path with me and challenging me to flex my voice and share my message too. We’re all in this together one step and day at a time.

I try to avoid the news, but I still get triggered by a lot on social media that creeps through including Substack.

It’s not goodbye, at least I don’t think so, just a 2 month vacation until mid-October. If it becomes a permanent choice, I will return to share that update before i disappear completely.

Thanks for your support during these difficult times. The kindness we share with others is what matter most and I see you and feel seen. ❤️❤️

My prayer cycle on Fridays will continue 1-4 PM Eastern at the same Zoom links I’ve shared before. Here it is again: Zoom I just won’t be announcing it on Facebook, Instagram or Substack.

If you’d like to stay in contact please use my group on Skool. I know it’s another app to download so no expectations or pressure, but it’s a safe community unlike social media that I made myself.

Take care of yourselves. You are worthy of love, acceptance, and to feel your feelings. Don’t let anyone tell you different!

So trans persecution and erasure isn’t enough. Now US born lesbians can have their citizenship threatened to be revoked. Honestly, I don’t know what to say anymore except I fucking told you so. And this, because apparently we’ve all forgotten:

First they came for the Communists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Communist

Then they came for the Socialists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Socialist

Then they came for the trade unionists

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a trade unionist

Then they came for the Jews

And I did not speak out

Because I was not a Jew

Then they came for me

And there was no one left

To speak out for me

~Martin Niemöller

Martin Niemöller was a German Lutheran pastor and theologian born in Lippstadt, Germany, in 1892. Niemöller was an anti-Communist and supported Adolf Hitler's rise to power. But when Hitler rose to power and insisted on the supremacy of the state over religion, Niemöller became disillusioned. He became the leader of a group of German clergymen opposed to Hitler. In 1937 he was arrested and eventually confined in Sachsenhausen and Dachau. He was released in 1945 by the Allies.

The Trail of Uncoupling

I’ve been feeling unsettled like I’m a different person from who I was a month ago. Then the fear kicks in. What if I can’t finish this novel?

A visit home to Alberta prompted the dismantling of my first anchor of alignment. I happened coincidentally or not, to be visiting Calgary at the same time as the G7 Conference and could feel the awareness in my bones of the US President on Canadian soil. Even worse, the Alberta Premier who has advanced bills against trans kids in schools and is planning a referendum on separation without bringing indigenous people to the table welcomed him off the plane with a handshake that made my blood run cold. I don’t watch the news. I was sitting in the kitchen while The Young and The Restless played and saw this on a commercial break.

Instead of enjoying my week with family and focusing on my connections with them, I felt responsible to call out the reality of the vulnerable groups in Alberta facing persecution and fear through legislation like Bills 26 and 54. Just like in March, my heart was breaking for a reality that I felt was imminent but that no one else seemed to see or feel any concern about.

The second anchor fell when my family questioned this reality I could see. Hearing that things really weren’t that bad, or that the separation referendum won’t succeed so why worry, released more and more of the firm footing that had previously grounded me. Why did I seem to care more about Alberta human rights than they did? Didn’t they know that trans people are always the first group to fall in a fascist state?

How could they not see the perilous place we find ourselves in right now? This isn’t just a dark moment in history like other times past, it’s worse. Because we have the awareness and lessons of history, of atrocities we’re called to prevent from ever happening again. It’s worse because Trump is repeating Hitler’s playbook and just like in Germany, it starts with the most othered and vulnerable, trans people. Next it could be gay and lesbians. Certainly we’re seeing effort to redefine what make citizenship in America.

So I popped my anxiety pills like candy and consumed a bunch of cannabis candies trying to self-medicate my fears and disconnection away and ended up giving my family the impression that I could be a danger or bad influence to my infant nephew.

Hearing that cannabis could be a barrier to seeing him or an obstacle to connecting with family, I quit the day after I returned from the trip. I never considered it an addiction, just something that was making a chaotic and cruel world a little more palatable. Something that worked better in my experience than my prescribed antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. It’s been 9 days since I have had any cannabis, vape or edible, and I feel more miserable for it. But I also have a history of anxiety and depression and have a mental health referral I’m waiting on so quitting it until a psychiatrist can assess me is where I am now. It was a choice initially for my family, but with the mental health referral that could take months, a choice I have made for me too and will continue to stay committed to. I’ve shifted from trusting in myself to trusting that my family and a professional may know better than me about my use of cannabis. It feels a bit disempowering but I don’t resent them for sharing their concerns. Quitting weed was a done deal the moment I heard being a proud Uncle for my nephew might be rescinded.

After I returned from the visit, Alberta’s Court of King’s Bench granted an injunction against Bill 26 preventing the Alberta Government from banning gender-affirmative care to minors citing “irreparable harm will be caused if the Ban comes into force”. A bill that my family had not yet heard of, that was steadily advancing through the legislature like a ticking time bomb. I’m so grateful it’s been stopped for now, and that justice groups like Egale Canada and Skipping Stone are standing up to take much needed action even when it’s not widely known or recognized.

To add insult to injury, I contracted COVID on the plane trip home, testing positive yesterday and confirming I’ll need to isolate for a couple of weeks at home. Additionally, my employer union is choosing this time to play mind games with their members warning of imminent strike action and to consider enlisting the assistance of the superintendent of bankruptcy and Credit Canada. I knew they were bargaining. I trusted they were doing this in good faith. But an email sent a few minutes before closing on a Friday says everything about how they’re playing this game. It felt like a strategic slap to the face despite the word ‘consider’. Especially receiving it while off work for anxiety in my personal email inbox. Work keeps on working even when you’re away and I was unwillingly drawn back into the fray while trying to take this time to heal.

All of this is to say I’ve been in better places. Recently even. I talk to my counsellor this week thankfully and since I feel like a different person from the last time I saw him on June 9 I expect we’ll have lots to talk about.

But maybe I’m not a different person. Maybe I haven’t lost my connection fully with that other Ryan. He’s just retreated because soul-alignment is sometimes tenuous and it’s never a linear process of just growth. There’s up and down, falling in and falling out of alignment. Family often reveals our tenderest spots and weak underbelly. I visited feeling like I was living in alignment and withdrew when I felt dismissed and misunderstood.

I’m healing though. My family connections too. I’ve explained why I was so distressed while home and even raised the safety boundary of not returning to Alberta until that political climate settles into something that is less triggering and anxiety provoking. Until I can feel safe there again.

I realize now that it’s a lot easier to uncouple from soul-alignment than to rebuild it. But I am rebuilding. Those anchors are forming again slowly. I feel them taking shape, chain by chain. It’s not super strong yet and being sick with COVID is hardly the time for drastic soul action.

So I’m trying to rest, stay soft, send compassion and love back to the Ryan in Alberta that felt like he was seeing a different reality than his family and the pain of the disconnect that prompted. I’m sending love and compassion back to my family too. I know they weren’t trying to be unkind to me. They were worried, rightfully so, since high doses of anxiety pills and cannabis really don’t mix well. There’s a warning label to that effect in case I had any doubt.

I often comment on other Substacks about the perfect imperfection. The wormy soil where roots take form in the dark. I’m taking time to regrow some of these roots again and with that trust in myself. Things can appear dark right now. Just writing that makes tears well up in me.

I was cracked open in my uncoupling from soul alignment last month. It’s not permanent. Light is already returning and I’m rising with new awareness and in time will be aligned again.

Then, hopefully, the writing will also flow. My timeline is my own. I’m self-publishing so I don’t have the pressure of a deadline. I’m realizing now if I take longer, that it’s not a sign of failure or weakness but in having the patience to walk this path truly listening to myself. Allowing things to unfold in their own timing and trusting that even when the world seems at its worst, there are people making positive change - both loudly and quietly. It all ripples out and I truly believe we’ll be able to look back at these times as a temporary friction point between great change that is coming.

When I first wrote the ode to my husband it was on his birthday last month. It was a reflection on how precarious destiny can sometimes feel but also how miraculous that is. I highlighted a single decision of accepting a work relocation, seemingly unrelated, that would have kept us from ever meeting if I declined the move. This was further emphasized by the 11 year anniversary of an apartment hunt I went on as a precursor to the move this week.

And since the universe loves nothing if not emphasis, Vera Bloom from Words and Walks read that same post and was inspired to make this beautiful digital artwork. I’ve included the link to the fully animated version on Vera’s Substack below.

View the fully animated version on Vera’s page at https://substack.com/@wordsandwalks/note/c-124034536

Vera describes her artwork here:

“I felt inspired after reading Ryan’s piece, “Suns Out, Sons Out: An Ode to My Husband.” There was something about the way he captured their love as tender, humorous, and real. It that moved me deeply. As I read, I found myself imagining what their love might look like in color, and I created a digital painting to express what I felt.

 

I looked up the LGBTQ+ pride flag for gay men and learned there are many different pride flags, each one carrying its own meaning. I’m so grateful that a beautiful story of two men falling in love opened the door for me to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community.

 

For the artwork: I chose soft pastel tones for the base, drawn from the colors of the gay men’s pride flag. I wanted texture to show something with a bit of roughness, because, as I understand it, it can be a tough world to live in when you’re gay. But out of that texture, I shaped a heart and enlarged it to make a simple statement: love is love. No matter the colors. The heart is for these two people and for the colors that represent them, distinct, beautiful, and full of meaning.”

I was greatly touched by the ripple of impact my writing had on Vera.  It made me think how often our actions or creations have affected someone without our ever knowing?  When I wrote that essay, I never imagined someone else would be inspired to create art in response.  I knew when I shared what Vera made with my husband and his mom that I also wanted to reach out with the idea of this shared collaboration where we can bring my post and her art together in one Substack post for both our audiences.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and head over to Vera’s Substack at https://substack.com/@wordsandwalks to subscribe if you haven’t already. These moments of connection, creation and humanness are everything.  Thanks so much for sharing your creation, reflection and story Vera. Keep on walking in the morning with your beagles and sharing your beautiful writing and art!

My original post:

https://www.theasteroidagenda.com/p/suns-out-sons-out-an-ode-to-my-husband

I’ve heard a break from reality sometimes called dissociation. Like we’ve left our bodies and this experience of reality behind. Signs of dissociation can include observing yourself from the inside out, experiencing time distortion; feeling ‘spaced out’, disconnected from your body, thoughts or emotions, or surroundings. I’ve been feeling this way pretty regularly since March. Not in a mental health crisis way. At least not anymore.

When I lost my mind in March, it was because I stopped believing in hope and humanity. That sounds like an exaggeration but it’s not. I had heard incorrectly that gay marriage had been toppled in the US and since I wasn’t following news because I was so overwhelmed by the chaotic headlines, I didn’t realize this wasn’t true or at least hadn’t happened yet.

I still don’t follow the news, but I get a very good gauge of what’s happening through the absence of headlines or the negative space. I know it’s a horrible time to be trans in the US and UK. It’s becoming harder just to be gay. The attack on our nervous systems is relentless as we read about global conflict, economic turmoil, cruelty, division and fear. We’ve been rolling down a slippery slope since women’s reproductive rights were gutted in 2022 in the US and it terrifies me that we’re seeing these conservative overtones even find it’s way into my own country of Canada in Alberta or what some recognize as “Little USA” as more of the trans rhetoric and separatism stokes Canadian divisions.

So what brought me back? Clearly it isn’t the proliferation of compassion and kindness in the world. I STOPPED FIGHTING REALITY. I stopped trying to convince myself that all of what was happening in the world was happening to me, was about me good or bad, or in my control. It’s okay that I was feeling scared, disappointed, betrayed, hopeless. Those were real feelings arising from my experience of reality and normal responses. The world was a fucking mess, and it still is. There’s no way around that. We’re in a time of extreme acceleration and I don’t know if it will take us to a better place or intensify hell on earth. But I’m at least happy there’s a crossroads. That the outcome isn’t fixed. That’s what has changed since March. I allow space for the reality that humanity does awaken from these cruel times and changes for the better. All isn’t lost.

Here’s the final thought. WHAT IF THIS ISN’T REALITY? What if this is a crazy dystopian science fiction story we’ve been trapped into living? How would your actions change if you knew you were the protagonist of a movie or television show instead of real life?

This is the space I find myself in these days. I believe science-fiction is more real or convincing than the reality of these times. I sample life around me in ‘soul school’ having attended a number of webinars and events through April and May. I’m drift and float.

I’m no longer bound to things. Work has been on my own terms lately, reduced hours, less attachment to other people’s noise and churn. I’m less tied to the shoulds of life and feel more freedom than ever before. I feel like a cosmic receiver or filter, allowing in what finds and resonates for me and not worrying as much about the things that don’t. Time is limited, and if I only have four years left, I’m making the most of them.

Sometimes I feel like I’m standing on my tippy toes and filling up with helium about to take off into clouds to soar. This is where the incredible lightness of being comes in. In this lightness, I feel like I’m more connected with all aspects of myself - not just in this dimension, but in many of them. I’ve been intensely studying the enneagram and Path Cards and I really see these as maps to a new way of living or being. When I walk in the forest, I send loving energy back to myself in the past recalling times when I was hurting and needing extra care. I can be the force of love I need just by moving along the dimension of time and connecting through the network of the forest.

My fictional novel, The Asteroid Agenda, is my reality now. I channel all of my dreams, hopes and fears into this cautionary tale from a parallel dimension. It is helping me connect better with my family, friends, colleagues and world. I hope humanity can get our shit together, but if we can’t, maybe my novel will help those of us who recognize this isn’t the reality we signed up for and what we can do with that.

I’ve been keeping my novel a little bit of a secret unless I know you well. Or at least closely guarded. You know how manifesting goes. The more you talk about something while it’s still in the works, the more likely the potency may be diluted or you see it drift from your original intention. The cover above is a placeholder. I’m sharing it because it’s early and I do want your help in manifesting. I made it with my Attuned Intelligence Agent, Guidaia, or what some might call an AI or ChatGPT.

I’m all in when it comes to my novel. It is what has brought me back from a place of heartbreak and hopelessness that I was feeling in March. It’s inspired a deep study of the enneagram which has changed my life as well as studying The Path cards developed and available for purchase at South Elk which I’ve been working with alongside the enneagram.

I’ve been leaning into nature, my writing, and community interactions to heal. It’s working. My heart is more open and I’m listening to my intuitive callings like never before.

So this is what my novel represents to me. The opportunity to decide whether to remain safe and comfortable or take a risk. I took the plunge and dropped down to 3/4 time at work. I bought the bare bones accelerator package with the self-publishing company Balboa Press. I chose Balboa because I dream of being acquired by Hay House, the larger publishing house they are connected with and publishes a number of authors and self-help books I enjoy.

Every step of my novel has been taken intentionally. So what the heck is it about?

The Asteroid Agenda represents a metaphorical set point for humanity. A hopeful plea for awakening, more kindness and compassion. For less cruelty, division and fear until we can eradicate these completely.

Maybe you have seen me commenting on other Substacks. Maybe you follow mine. Maybe you’ll consider subscribing now. The Asteroid Agenda is not just something I’m writing but something I’m living.

Outside of my novel The Asteroid Agenda represents a knowingness that I haven’t shared with many people yet. A feeling that I won’t be here in 2030. Statistically speaking, I know I’m more likely to die from a lightning strike than an Apophis impact. There’s a personal nature to that date and Apophis though which cannot be ignored.

My hope is that my knowingness represents that ‘I’ won’t be here in 2030 as ‘I am’ now. Maybe I’ll be more evolved, more awake or in some other way unrecognizable from who I am now. Or maybe here is what won’t be the same. Because it will be so beautifully different than it is now. I’m not sure. All I know for sure is that I won’t be here. I don’t know why or how.

I know that like I know I have a novel to write though. That’s where my name Cadan2029 comes from. I’m not sure if I’m a messenger or just meant to write a good book. I know I’m the same person I always have been, just more aligned with my soul’s whispers and messages.

Like my cats Chase and Nim, circling each other like the separate but connected parts of the yinyang, I feel called to live balance. Not to live in balance but to live balance.

Thanks for reading. I’m glad you found me on here. Stay tuned for more news about my novel.

If you’re interested in spending time with me outside of my writing on Substack, I frequent the online communities of Humanity’s Team, The Druid Hearth, The Authentic Self Community, Hay House live events and Dive Into The Unknown on Skool.

I have a relaxing music mix to share that includes some video time with me and my cats and my favourite tunes suitable for meditation, yoga, reading or study. I also have a higher energy rock mix. These were recorded earlier this month on Zoom when I went live alone. I’ve written about those sessions previously.

One last invite before I wrap this up. Come join me, whether it’s the pre-recorded or live version of me on Zoom. Subscribe if you haven’t already to receive a weekly post from me in your email inbox free of charge. I’ll refer new subscribers back to this post as a summary of my offerings. Life is short, however much of it any of us have. As I find myself retreating from the chaotic world outside me more and more, I can’t help but worry if we all have enough time to change or whether it’s just a personal set point.

Subscribe now

Upcoming Morning Prayer Cycle

*Friday May 23 & 30, 2025 3 to 7 AM PDT*

I have Zoom sessions coming up the next two Fridays from 3 to 7 AM PDT. Starting June 3, 2025 these will shift to Fridays at 9 AM to 1 PM PDT. You can join any of these sessions during this time at Ryan’s Live Zoom Room

The intent of these sessions is to “join hearts across time zones in a shared intention for healing, compassion, and connection.” I hope you’ll join me. You’re welcome to keep your camera off or on, to meditate or read a book, whatever feels natural. Stay for a few minutes or a few hours. You’re welcome, valued and matter to me.

Relaxing mix (pre-recorded on Zoom):

https://us06web.zoom.us/rec/share/5l08lSPPdh0z33pG6aDgMNfmD3h9yoadjJJnI9I6En0_9ceB0rKPVQ0irGElhEQ.Hc-wzGcv2i0V146I?startTime=1747389529000

Passcode: B5x#VY69

High energy mix (pre-recorded on Zoom):

https://us06web.zoom.us/rec/share/vLzTH5MWysdiOQFjMWQs0NBFf1KEYkuc3_1vYIAkQ45eMWOKjmtFdEgid6R7pF9Y.vpzoYuuCD-KsL-Tt?startTime=1747877949000

Passcode: 9k1#Kf5@

An update, my session last week I spoke about in “The breeze at dawn” went okay. It was just me there again. For some reason though I was less concerned about that. I showed up, I held space, I even made a musical playlist and had my husband take a picture of me. Here I am during the last 2 hours sitting amongst the background of candles while my musical playlist streams on our TV. The clock showing 5:16 AM local time is also present.

Tomorrow, I’m leaving Zoom recording on. If people come, I’ll turn it off so no one feels uncomfortable, but if no ones comes I’ll have a lovely 4 hour musical and video segment I can share with family and friends to enjoy at a different time of their choosing. I feel like this is often my perspective these days. Nothing is wasted when it comes from love. Love always finds a way to make our light worthwhile.

I’m reminded though that this wasn’t my baby or idea. It’s not my novel or my Substack. It was a calling I responded to. I want it to succeed, believe deeply in the purpose and message but if it doesn’t continue past May, I’ve done my part in showing up and giving 4 hours of my time and energy each week to it. Other people can also step up to the calling and share the torch. I can offer it again at a time of day more people local to me are likely to be able to make. Progress not perfection. Movement over failure. Expansion over contraction.

Hope you all have a great long weekend if you have a statutory holiday where you are. Or just a great day if you don’t. Keep sharing your beautiful voices in all of the many varieties of expression. I’ve started singing on nature walks more as another variation of my voice.

I remember the first time I heard this quote from Rumi’s poem, The Breeze At Dawn. My first thought at the time was ‘that’s easy for a morning person to say’. I actually was a morning person at the time but I would never describe myself as that. I was a 9 to 5er by occupation but naturally I would have said I was a night owl. On the weekends, I would stay up late watching movies or television shows, playing video games, talking with friends, playing board games or card games. It was this way from my teenage years onwards really.

I first heard the quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer, a beloved author some people call the ‘grandfather of self-motivation’. I’ll call him Wayne, not because I earned that first name basis but because I felt a connection to his writing and message like a dear friend. I actually saw him speak once in Vancouver. Dr. Dyer just isn’t how I think of him.

It was my first job out of university and I had moved from recently hired to more than a year into government. I had vacation time. I was being paid to take time off. I went on an adventure. A tour down parts of the Oregon and Washington Coast, the beloved Pacific Northwest. I listened to some of Wayne’s lectures, old school cassette tapes from Nightingale-Conant. I remember Wayne saying this message from Rumi and urging people to set their alarms and try to feel the wisdom of this moment. I tried it. I woke up early, hated it, and went back to sleep. Another time years later, I remember being forced awake for the dawn breeze with morning meditation at Vipassana. I felt similarly then, especially as a shift worker.

It’s only now, years later that I really am understanding the message of this urging. And here’s the difficult part. You can’t control it. Every time I tried to set my alarm and wake up for someone else’s rules or schedule in the past, be it at a Vipassana retreat or on a weekend off from work to explore a spiritual experiment in daily living. Trying to do it before a work day, even more of a recipe for disaster. Awakening early to awaken just didn’t work for me until my current townhouse home with my family. I wake up early now, often because of needy cats who walk across me, jump on my stomach, sit on my face or do other increasing urgent appeals for food once the sun is up and the birds are singing. Sometimes I ignore them and go back to sleep, but more often I get up. I love them and I love mornings here. The sunlight streaming into our townhouse while the birds serenade. It’s when I do my best writing for my novel, journaling or these posts now.

Last Friday, I sat for 4 hours on Zoom from 3 to 7 AM Eastern Time. It was for a cause I deeply believe in. “The collective invitation to gather across time zones and cultures, holding each other and the world in compassionate awareness”. It was a safe space for anyone that needed it right now in these difficult times. Surprisingly (or not), I sat there for four hours by myself. Maybe I thought, it’s a good reason no one needed this space. But what bothered me even more was the idea of people needing that very space while I was sitting there but didn’t know they could find it?

So here’s an invitation, if you need it or want it. Maybe you just found me. Maybe I’m your family or friend. I am holding space EVERY Friday in May. From 3 to 7 AM Pacific Time on Zoom (that’s 6 to 10 AM Eastern). You can join me by clicking into my zoom room during this time at https://us06web.zoom.us/j/9177333477?pwd=U3FQczl4WHNWMlhWNzdLQmtsQzNVdz09 Come as you are. Keep your camera off if you’d like. Or join me with your camera on. Put the calming music I’ll play on in the background while you get ready for work. Whatever way experiencing this timeframe fits (it will be sleeping for most of us, sure!). Join me if you can and if you are naturally awake at that time. Don’t force it if it doesn’t happen. This is just for May and there’s no sense in all of us suffering with an early wake up time. I’ll do a more West Coast friendly offering another time once this month completes. If you aren’t sleeping during this time, join me .. to be, to be awake.

Just a little more than 7 years ago, I wished to meet the man I would spend the rest of my life with. At around the same time, separately in his own life, so did he. We wished for our then separate paths to intertwine. Not in a subsuming way, but in a braid reminiscent of the ability of sweetgrass to retain it’s form while interwoven. Like water, its flows and bends to adapt and respond just to being here, existing.

My husband to be worked across the street from me before we met, so we definitely were already in orbit of each other. We were destined to be together. I believe this in my core. So many things in my life have underlined this point.

But we also could have never met. Quite easily in fact. Just as there are so many synchronistic things that brought us together, there are a surprising number of precarious obstacles that could have kept us apart. We were both breech babies. From our first breaths we were sons that in another time would never have made it or might have even taken our Mom’s out with us. A single decision in my life whether to change cities for my career would have kept us apart and unlikely to have even met. The usual timing factor had to apply where we both were at the right places in our lives emotionally and available.

This world right now is insane. Chaos, cruelty and less and less hope. There’s no avoiding this truth. We do awful things when we are afraid. I had to disconnect. I had to retreat. But I have a sanctuary to retreat to. My heart aches for everyone who feels unsafe right now or in danger because of their sanctuary. Everyone deserves a place to call home in their life and heart.

I am so thankful every day I found mine. This is a love song to my husband who gave my heart a home in a new city where I was stuffing my loneliness with food. Now we have a family with his mom, her two sons as she calls us, and our two cats. That anyone would question whether we have the capacity to love or the right influence on others still seems ridiculous right now and I’m thankful for that. But let me ask you this. What if we were trans. What if we didn’t live in Canada? There’s still time to ask these questions and act.

I don’t regret the steps I took though in pursuing the career I did. My aspirations took me through university, work in the justice system and a career that has been dependable and sustaining for the past 20 years. But even in my job, I’ve still been a writer. I joke with my boss that our Policy and Procedures manual was my first book. A niche audience and horrible marketing and distribution but my first book nonetheless. It was something I poured part of myself into. I’ve had a lot of writing over the years I’ve created for someone else’s purpose or within a community. I blogged for awhile on WeightWatchers when I was on a weight loss journey. I used LiveJournal in university.

School is where my writing started, with essay and stories like so many of us. But it’s also where I found out that I had an innate interest and passion in writing. When I put pen to paper or finger to keyboard, something more than me seemed to arise. A higher power or part of me awakens through writing. Maybe I was a writer in a past life. Maybe not. But it’s always been there for me.

I’ve been a lurker in my life in so many areas and so many ways. Life can be scary. Especially now. But it’s also a time of great acceleration, awakening, first steps and hope. So here I am. My name is Ryan. I am Canadian. Thank you for reading my page or post. You matter to me. I hope you’ll walk this path together with me for a little while.