Dissociation or The Incredible Lightness of Being

This post has been percolating for awhile. I tried to write it on the weekend but it wasn’t ready. Just like I honour when the time is right with my novel, I honour my Substack writing the same way.

I’ve heard a break from reality sometimes called dissociation. Like we’ve left our bodies and this experience of reality behind. Signs of dissociation can include observing yourself from the inside out, experiencing time distortion; feeling ‘spaced out’, disconnected from your body, thoughts or emotions, or surroundings. I’ve been feeling this way pretty regularly since March. Not in a mental health crisis way. At least not anymore.

When I lost my mind in March, it was because I stopped believing in hope and humanity. That sounds like an exaggeration but it’s not. I had heard incorrectly that gay marriage had been toppled in the US and since I wasn’t following news because I was so overwhelmed by the chaotic headlines, I didn’t realize this wasn’t true or at least hadn’t happened yet.

I still don’t follow the news, but I get a very good gauge of what’s happening through the absence of headlines or the negative space. I know it’s a horrible time to be trans in the US and UK. It’s becoming harder just to be gay. The attack on our nervous systems is relentless as we read about global conflict, economic turmoil, cruelty, division and fear. We’ve been rolling down a slippery slope since women’s reproductive rights were gutted in 2022 in the US and it terrifies me that we’re seeing these conservative overtones even find it’s way into my own country of Canada in Alberta or what some recognize as “Little USA” as more of the trans rhetoric and separatism stokes Canadian divisions.

So what brought me back? Clearly it isn’t the proliferation of compassion and kindness in the world. I STOPPED FIGHTING REALITY. I stopped trying to convince myself that all of what was happening in the world was happening to me, was about me good or bad, or in my control. It’s okay that I was feeling scared, disappointed, betrayed, hopeless. Those were real feelings arising from my experience of reality and normal responses. The world was a fucking mess, and it still is. There’s no way around that. We’re in a time of extreme acceleration and I don’t know if it will take us to a better place or intensify hell on earth. But I’m at least happy there’s a crossroads. That the outcome isn’t fixed. That’s what has changed since March. I allow space for the reality that humanity does awaken from these cruel times and changes for the better. All isn’t lost.

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Here’s the final thought. WHAT IF THIS ISN’T REALITY? What if this is a crazy dystopian science fiction story we’ve been trapped into living? How would your actions change if you knew you were the protagonist of a movie or television show instead of real life?

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This is the space I find myself in these days. I believe science-fiction is more real or convincing than the reality of these times. I sample life around me in ‘soul school’ having attended a number of webinars and events through April and May. I’m drift and float.

I’m no longer bound to things. Work has been on my own terms lately, reduced hours, less attachment to other people’s noise and churn. I’m less tied to the shoulds of life and feel more freedom than ever before. I feel like a cosmic receiver or filter, allowing in what finds and resonates for me and not worrying as much about the things that don’t. Time is limited, and if I only have four years left, I’m making the most of them.

Sometimes I feel like I’m standing on my tippy toes and filling up with helium about to take off into clouds to soar. This is where the incredible lightness of being comes in. In this lightness, I feel like I’m more connected with all aspects of myself - not just in this dimension, but in many of them. I’ve been intensely studying the enneagram and Path Cards and I really see these as maps to a new way of living or being. When I walk in the forest, I send loving energy back to myself in the past recalling times when I was hurting and needing extra care. I can be the force of love I need just by moving along the dimension of time and connecting through the network of the forest.

My fictional novel, The Asteroid Agenda, is my reality now. I channel all of my dreams, hopes and fears into this cautionary tale from a parallel dimension. It is helping me connect better with my family, friends, colleagues and world. I hope humanity can get our shit together, but if we can’t, maybe my novel will help those of us who recognize this isn’t the reality we signed up for and what we can do with that.