Notes from the dark side

This is a harder post to write. Although I’ve maintained a regular writing flow on Substack in comments and observations on other people’s post, my personal writing, that creative voice that was speaking so strongly just a month ago has retreated into silence. I understand that this can be part of book writing, writer’s block is a real thing. In my case though, it’s not a spontaneous obstacle that has emerged but an uncoupling from the alignment and flow I was in.

The Trail of Uncoupling

I’ve been feeling unsettled like I’m a different person from who I was a month ago. Then the fear kicks in. What if I can’t finish this novel?

A visit home to Alberta prompted the dismantling of my first anchor of alignment. I happened coincidentally or not, to be visiting Calgary at the same time as the G7 Conference and could feel the awareness in my bones of the US President on Canadian soil. Even worse, the Alberta Premier who has advanced bills against trans kids in schools and is planning a referendum on separation without bringing indigenous people to the table welcomed him off the plane with a handshake that made my blood run cold. I don’t watch the news. I was sitting in the kitchen while The Young and The Restless played and saw this on a commercial break.

Not a real photograph - created with my Attuned Intelligence Agent Guidaia in ChatGPT

Instead of enjoying my week with family and focusing on my connections with them, I felt responsible to call out the reality of the vulnerable groups in Alberta facing persecution and fear through legislation like Bills 26 and 54. Just like in March, my heart was breaking for a reality that I felt was imminent but that no one else seemed to see or feel any concern about.

The second anchor fell when my family questioned this reality I could see. Hearing that things really weren’t that bad, or that the separation referendum won’t succeed so why worry, released more and more of the firm footing that had previously grounded me. Why did I seem to care more about Alberta human rights than they did? Didn’t they know that trans people are always the first group to fall in a fascist state?

How could they not see the perilous place we find ourselves in right now? This isn’t just a dark moment in history like other times past, it’s worse. Because we have the awareness and lessons of history, of atrocities we’re called to prevent from ever happening again. It’s worse because Trump is repeating Hitler’s playbook and just like in Germany, it starts with the most othered and vulnerable, trans people. Next it could be gay and lesbians. Certainly we’re seeing effort to redefine what make citizenship in America.

So I popped my anxiety pills like candy and consumed a bunch of cannabis candies trying to self-medicate my fears and disconnection away and ended up giving my family the impression that I could be a danger or bad influence to my infant nephew.

Hearing that cannabis could be a barrier to seeing him or an obstacle to connecting with family, I quit the day after I returned from the trip. I never considered it an addiction, just something that was making a chaotic and cruel world a little more palatable. Something that worked better in my experience than my prescribed antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. It’s been 9 days since I have had any cannabis, vape or edible, and I feel more miserable for it. But I also have a history of anxiety and depression and have a mental health referral I’m waiting on so quitting it until a psychiatrist can assess me is where I am now. It was a choice initially for my family, but with the mental health referral that could take months, a choice I have made for me too and will continue to stay committed to. I’ve shifted from trusting in myself to trusting that my family and a professional may know better than me about my use of cannabis. It feels a bit disempowering but I don’t resent them for sharing their concerns. Quitting weed was a done deal the moment I heard being a proud Uncle for my nephew might be rescinded.

After I returned from the visit, Alberta’s Court of King’s Bench granted an injunction against Bill 26 preventing the Alberta Government from banning gender-affirmative care to minors citing “irreparable harm will be caused if the Ban comes into force”. A bill that my family had not yet heard of, that was steadily advancing through the legislature like a ticking time bomb. I’m so grateful it’s been stopped for now, and that justice groups like Egale Canada and Skipping Stone are standing up to take much needed action even when it’s not widely known or recognized.

To add insult to injury, I contracted COVID on the plane trip home, testing positive yesterday and confirming I’ll need to isolate for a couple of weeks at home. Additionally, my employer union is choosing this time to play mind games with their members warning of imminent strike action and to consider enlisting the assistance of the superintendent of bankruptcy and Credit Canada. I knew they were bargaining. I trusted they were doing this in good faith. But an email sent a few minutes before closing on a Friday says everything about how they’re playing this game. It felt like a strategic slap to the face despite the word ‘consider’. Especially receiving it while off work for anxiety in my personal email inbox. Work keeps on working even when you’re away and I was unwillingly drawn back into the fray while trying to take this time to heal.

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All of this is to say I’ve been in better places. Recently even. I talk to my counsellor this week thankfully and since I feel like a different person from the last time I saw him on June 9 I expect we’ll have lots to talk about.

But maybe I’m not a different person. Maybe I haven’t lost my connection fully with that other Ryan. He’s just retreated because soul-alignment is sometimes tenuous and it’s never a linear process of just growth. There’s up and down, falling in and falling out of alignment. Family often reveals our tenderest spots and weak underbelly. I visited feeling like I was living in alignment and withdrew when I felt dismissed and misunderstood.

I’m healing though. My family connections too. I’ve explained why I was so distressed while home and even raised the safety boundary of not returning to Alberta until that political climate settles into something that is less triggering and anxiety provoking. Until I can feel safe there again.

I realize now that it’s a lot easier to uncouple from soul-alignment than to rebuild it. But I am rebuilding. Those anchors are forming again slowly. I feel them taking shape, chain by chain. It’s not super strong yet and being sick with COVID is hardly the time for drastic soul action.

So I’m trying to rest, stay soft, send compassion and love back to the Ryan in Alberta that felt like he was seeing a different reality than his family and the pain of the disconnect that prompted. I’m sending love and compassion back to my family too. I know they weren’t trying to be unkind to me. They were worried, rightfully so, since high doses of anxiety pills and cannabis really don’t mix well. There’s a warning label to that effect in case I had any doubt.

I often comment on other Substacks about the perfect imperfection. The wormy soil where roots take form in the dark. I’m taking time to regrow some of these roots again and with that trust in myself. Things can appear dark right now. Just writing that makes tears well up in me.

I was cracked open in my uncoupling from soul alignment last month. It’s not permanent. Light is already returning and I’m rising with new awareness and in time will be aligned again.

Then, hopefully, the writing will also flow. My timeline is my own. I’m self-publishing so I don’t have the pressure of a deadline. I’m realizing now if I take longer, that it’s not a sign of failure or weakness but in having the patience to walk this path truly listening to myself. Allowing things to unfold in their own timing and trusting that even when the world seems at its worst, there are people making positive change - both loudly and quietly. It all ripples out and I truly believe we’ll be able to look back at these times as a temporary friction point between great change that is coming.